One day at a time

12-13-09

It has been a while since I have written on Anne's blog. She is so talented and creative that I hardly know where to start. I want to post some pictures and that will be determined if I have time to figure out which pictures and how to post them.

I feel like a bee in a hive going round and round each day. Life is busy and always so full with three little ones to love and care for alone. Our girls are very busy and full of life and excitement. It is frustrating at times when I need them to calm down and I have to be better with patience. I guess this will teach me to have more. I know there is no secret formula to this but practice. This constant busy flow is also such a good thing for me. It helps to keep me in a routine and not grieve too deep too long over the loss of Anne. Grief is real. I love my girls and feel a never ending desire and need to love and serve them. But I must say that it is very tiresome at times to do all the needed things in life. Such as; be mom, dad, house keeper, laundry doer, grocery and clothing shopper (I've never been one to shop and I guess christmas will break me in), work, run a business, organize finances, new puppy, and try to create for the girls like Anne did (to name a few).

It seems crazy that life just keeps moving on and is so full. Even among this busy life there is still time late at night to think about all that has and is happening over the past few months and years. I often think, wow, did that and did this really happen. Did we really experience these things and did I really go through loosing Anne. How did this all happen?

I was talking to a friend at church today and we talked about the feeling of loosing a companion and that sometimes you just zone out and feel like you have watched a crazy movie and are looking at things from the outside. It sure gives one a numb feeling.

One thing for sure is after you get into a routine, it is still all about taking one day at a time. Anne and I learned to take one day at a time with her cancer discovery and battle and this is how we found joy and happiness each day. Sometimes I just need to not worry so much about tomorrow and enjoy the today because, as I learned with Anne, no one knows how many more todays we will have.

Christmas is one of our favorite time's of the year. I need to just get through this season and try to love it for what it is and not to miss Anne too much. Because I do miss her.

Anne was such an amazing example for me of living life with joy, love and happiness among life's challenges. I know that life will have challenges and I am going to have challenges and that no one is without them. So for me I will go forward and continue to work hard and live and love each day with the blessing of being with my girls. Anne and my girls are such an example to me of happiness, joy, and light always.

The girls are all doing so good. I am amazed and many times jealous at how well they are doing. Of course they have their own moments of frustration or loss. There are still times at night during dreams that they ask for mommy. They are missing her more over the past week or so due to the christmas season. But I think that they are doing well. I attribute much of this to the fact that each day they are with someone who loves them and knows them even if I cannot be there for them due to work.

Each morning I get the girls up and get them dressed. Then I do 3 girls hair load them in the car and drop them off at my angel mothers house. She then feeds them breakfast takes the two older girls to school and my 3 year old stays the morning with grandma. At about noon my younger sister Katie, our nanny, takes them home and does a magical work with them until I get home about six. I also have a loving mother and father in-law that stays or takes them with them several times a month. Other than Anne I could not ask for more.

We always said Creagers are strong. I hope and pray I can always say we are Creager strong. We are very blessed and this house is and always will be filled with love and dreams. Anne is and always will be the woman of my and our dreams.

Ward

life without Anne

9-22-09

Those of you have kept up with Anne and followed her blog, I want to thank you for being a part of Anne's life as this was a strength to her to have this outlet in her life.

What is life without Anne? It is empty and there is a void that I know will be present until we get to be together again. In my life experienced I know that time alway allows to mend and heal, but my this is going to take some time.

I was writing to Anne's friend Amber and I told her that sometimes I think Anne may walk into the room or enter the door from being gone. But I know that this will not happen in this lifetime. It saddens me and I am still adjusting with the thought of her being gone.

McCady is doing good and loves school. She is really good at learning and seems to have the learning bug. She has developed a love for reading thanks to mom. She loves to read and loves to read as a family. Anne read to the girls at night, and they and she loved to have this time together. We have continued this tradition and relish our evening moments together and time for our one on one, "I love you time" for the girls that again was started by Anne." Many times I ask McCady what her favorite thing was for the day and she always says right now wile I am giving her, "I love you's." How fun that we all look forward for this bedtime ritual. This time is so bonding and soothes our souls in the loss of Anne. I think that we are forging a new kind of bond and are each other's strengths during this time of loss and healing.

MaLeah is loving school and is blooming in her new school experience. Anne and I were worried that she would have trouble if we lost Anne as MaLeah is cautious to open up and break out of her shell. But we are being blessed and she is, as I said before, blooming and it is fun to watch the new sparkle in her eye as she relates something new from school or about life. We are going to get a puppy and a few weeks ago we went to pick our out. It still needs to grow a little more. On the way home MaLeah was all a grin and said many times, "Oh I can't believe how cut the puppy is, I just want to hold him." This will be a new experience for us to have a animal but it will be good for the girls.

Maiya is always her usual ball of fun. She is finding a new exitement in having time with grandma wile the others are at schoool. Then my sister Katie comes home from Weber State each day about noon and Maiya loves to be with Katie. Katie has been such a blessing to pick up the school assignments and be there for the girls as a constant until I get home at night. Katie is a wonderful nanny. Maiya does one thing every night that lets me know that she is missing mommy. She has to come in my bed each night after a few hours of sleep and crawl in bed with me. She is so cuddly and wants to make sure she rests her head on my shoulder. This is her way of trying to fill the void.

All in all we are doing fairly well considering our great loss. We all have our moments of tears and difficulty and again we have to wait out these moments and be patient and always a new moment comes with feelings of peace and comfort. Patience is something that I feel men as a whole are not very good at and I am far from good at this but slowly the girls are teaching me this and we are learning our routine.

We are being so blessed and I know that we are having divine help in many ways. What would we do without the knowledge of a loving heavenly Father? In our house we still laugh, cry, and all the other emotions as before, but I feel like sometimes I am relearning to do the things we did before and I am having to do them alone, without my partner, for the first time in a long time.

The first two weeks after loosing Anne I felt hollow or numb and other similar feelings that I felt when I first got home after my mission. These feelings are slowly fading and I am trying to recreate a normal for me.

The sure and steady basics of prayer, scripture study, family home evening and quality family time have been a source of comfort and strength to our family. We are a forever family and I want to be sure we are growing as I know Anne is and I want us to be worthy of being with her.

I and we all love Anne so much she is a pillar of wisdom, kindness and love for us in this home. She is tenderly missed.

Ward

An Elect Lady

What does one write about the loss of a dear, cherished, loved, mother, wife, companion, and friend? I don't know. I know that I could never do her justice in the word I could write about her. But one thing for sure is I got the greatest privilege of calling her mine for these 13 short years of marriage. Anne elevated everyone around her and even me.
The past week and a half has been so intense, full of anguish, remorse, pain, disappointment and sorrow. Crazy enough, it has also been sprinkled with hope, faith, love, grace, peace, joy, and spiritual insight.
I was so anxious about loosing Anne when she went into the hospital and I did not want her to know this because I wanted her to be at peace. This was an emotional battle. We realized that Anne's time was counting down due to a brain tumor that was new. The Neurosurgeon believed that the tumor, about the size of a golf ball, was hemorrhaging and he feared she would not do well with surgery or after surgery. So we were in a waiting game. Time was counting down.
They guessed at best that Anne had at most a few weeks. As the week progressed the pain became worse and Anne was paralyzed on her right side and blind in her right eye. Anne had times that she was not coherent and times that she was quite with it. When she was alert she wanted to see all her immediate family and a few others. She was amazing how she would be quite alert as she got to say goodbye to everyone she loved close and dear. Then she would have mental difficulty and rest. This is just like Anne do it right, with grace, and the way she wanted to. I know that she was blessed to be able to part with us in such a way.
There is nothing one can do can prepare fully for the moment of release. Anne's pain was increasing through the week until she could no longer be awake due to the pain meds and she lost sight of the remainder of her vision.
I was selfish and feeling anxious because she was saying goodbye with the last bit of energy she had and I was starting to feel I would not get time with her in her waking moments. The last day that she was able to be alert she had already said goodbye to our families and it was as if she new of my anxiety and woke up for most of the day to be with me. She made me get up in bed with her. So we could hold each other in this anxious time. We laid there and laughed about the first day we met. . . We cried. . . I think that I did most of the crying. We talked most of the time about anything and everything. Anne and I had a bad habit of not going to sleep at nights and enjoyed talking. We loved to talk. So this day, once again, talking came so natural and it was wonderful.
Anne's pain level in her head and her chest was greatly increasing and they wanted to keep her comfortable. So they came and talked to her and told her that she would not be awake anymore in order to keep her out of pain. She OK with this and wanted this and said with calmness, "I am ready I know it is time for me to go." This was about 7 pm and I had apx 7 hours of sleep in 72 hours. We knew that time was close. Anne asked that I would stay with her. I told her that she could not keep me away. She fell asleep about one hour later. Anne is so strong she made it through a rocky night and I managed to dose for a little over one hour. When the time was minutes away she became very peaceful and everything stopped.
I know this is quite detailed and I am sorry for this. It is just the way it is all spilling out. I must say that this night was filled with much faith and prayer. For one to claim no need for a creator at this time would be a blatant lie to themselves and their creator.
I felt such a need to pray, specifically for me, to be worthy to be in her presence at the time of her passing. What a dependence we have and need on our Savior, Jesus Christ. He will strengthen us in our hour of need and will not leave us comfortless. She is an Elect Lady and an Angel. What a holy place and time this was for us.
I know that my Savior lives and loves me and my family and I could feel his love for me in this poignant moment. I know that he has a plan for us and that we will be a family forever. I know that this family forever-ness is possible and directly contingent to our obedience to Him and succumbing our will to the Lord. I am grateful I got to assist Anne to the next life and I know that I will see, hold, and kiss her again.
My Uncle Kim once said, "Anne, you are as beautiful inside as you are without. " She is beautiful and I have thought of this saying many times after.
Anne planned her entire funeral and in the hospital she said to me, "I don't want a sloppy funeral, get writing your talk right now." Of course I refused and wanted to make the most of our last moments. Instead wrote my talk 2 nights before the funeral in the middle of the night due to lack of time and inability to sleep. Anne's funeral was wonderful and we were blessed, and filled with the spirit of the holy Ghost, and Anne's beautiful presence.
Every thought of Anne is full of beauty and grace. This is interesting Anne would always say my name is so plain and I would always tell her how much I loved it. As I have said before Anne fits her name, for it means grace, or gracious.
I love this wonderful Elect Lady, Anne. She will be sorely missed and there is a big hole in our hearts at this time for her. I know things will be tough and really hard but I also know with time, patience and faith my girls and I will heal but always have a piece of her etched in our hearts until we get to embrace her again.

Your loveing husband,
Ward

Fund for Anne's children

Dear Friends,
Ward wanted me to let all of you know how grateful he is for your friendships and interest in following Anne's blog. It has been a source of comfort to know that Anne was able to reach out and expand her circle of friends through all of you. Ward will be posting a few updates as soon as he can. Several people have expressed the desire to donate to a fund for Anne's children. If you wish to do so a fund has been set up in her name. The name of the account is:

Anne Creager Charitable Account Fund
America First Credit Union,
PO Box 9199,
Ogden, Utah 84409,

1-800-999-3961

Non monetary gifts or cards can be sent to
1690 No. Washington Blvd. Suite 1
North Ogden, UT 84404
If there are questions or concerns regarding this charitable fund please contact Diana Caffee at 301-803-0409

Anne

Dear Friends,
We wanted to let everyone know that Anne passed away Saturday morning Aug 22nd. It has been a very hard week, but it has also been filled with great love and many miracles. The Spirit of the Holy Ghost has been with our family and has helped us to feel peace and comfort at this time. Anne will be missed so much, but we love her and know that her mission on this earth has been completed and we know that she has returned home to our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ. We have been greatly touched by the outpouring of love you have all given in the last few days through comments on her blog. Anne touched so many lives because she was a true friend. If you would like to join with us in celebrating her life we would love to have you.

A viewing will be held August 26th, Wednesday night from 6-8 pm at the following location.

Eden 1st Ward
6450 East 1900 North
Eden, UT 84310

A viewing will also be held August 27th, Thursday morning from 9:30-10:30am at the same location followed by her funeral at 11:00am at the same location.

If you wish to send flowers please send them to:

Jenkins-Soffe
1007 W. South Jordan Parkway
South Jordan, UT 84095
( be sure not to send the flowers to the church)

please have the flowers delivered before 1:00pm on Wednesday or you can bring them personally Wednesday night.

Once again, thank you for all of your kind words about our sweet sister. We love her too, and this world will not be the same without her.

Dear Friends and Family

We wanted to let you know that Anne is in the hospital and has taken a turn for the worse. She is not expected to live much longer. We ask at this time that no one tries to call or visit her. It's very important that she and her family have this little time left to be with each other and to have their privacy. Please pray for Anne that she will be at peace and feel of our Heavenly Father's great love as she passes from this life. Please also pray for Ward and for McCady, MaLeah, and Maiya that they will feel the presence of the comforter, and that they will all feel of the wonderful blessings that come from being an eternal family. We know that Anne has been a wonderful friend to many people and that she has been a couragous example of goodness and strength. We love her so much and we will miss her. Thank you for your love and support at this time. We know that you love her too.

August 15, 2009

Our last two weeks have definitely been filled with ups and downs. To realize the magnitude of our situation and then get past that and start doing something about it has taken every ounce of strength, mental and physical.

If I could get my blood to cooperate I think things might be a little easier. I just can't seem to get my counts up and that just drains me. The only thing that seems to be helping now is transfusion. Last week I spent the night in the hospital with Ward, who thought we'd make a date of it. He went to get us Schezuan Chicken from Maple Gardens. We thought we'd watch a movie since I was going to be there for 7-8 hours. We didn't count on how the pre-medication knocks me out. After I fell asleep Ward dozed off in the recliner. So much for a fun date, huh?

Dr. Gray has been working with me to get on a drug replacement program for the drug Avastin. Avastin has shown great promise in other cancers and is approved already for many different types--but not melanoma. Things didn't look so good for me to be accepted to the program, but this week because of a very understanding drug rep and a huge blessing from Heavenly Father I started the Avastin on Wednesday. (And hallelujah brother-- the side effects are nothing compared to what I've been on!)

Most of our time over the last two weeks has been spent wading through a ton of Alternative Medicine options. I say wading because it is so overwhelming. There is so much out there and much of it is literally wacko. I firmly believe that the mind has great power to heal. I also believe that if you believe in something enough it can heal you. We have investigated everything from Gurus waving medicine sticks to much more normal things like vitamins and herbs for healing. I've read until my brain wants to explode. We've talked to some very nice people and I've been very grateful for all the help offered. I've learned how helpful it can be, and I've also seen how expensive it can become. So, this is what we've decided.

I believe in modern medicine. So I am still letting Dr. Gray be a huge part of what I am doing. I am on Avastin. I am back on my diet, but not as strict as before (still no sugar and lots of whole foods). I am focusing on three areas of herbal supplements: Glyconutrients, Immunoboosters (I want to vomit every time I drink this stuff, but I'm still doing it) and AHCC (which is a very researched supplement derived from mushrooms. It has been widely used with cancer patients in Japan for over 30 years. There is a ton of research showing how beneficial it is--I am on board here). I'm also doing some detoxification and reflexology and I am looking into acupressure and acupuncture.

Most of all we're just getting on our knees and doing what we know really works. This week because of a loving friend, I was in contact with two very professional men--one works with clinical research at MD Anderson, the other is a Hematologist Oncologist at City of Hope in LA. Both of them did everything they could to help me find all options at their facilities. They both felt like I'd had very good care up to this point and both of them said that Avastin was probably an excellent option for me at this time. But they both also understand the reality of what we're facing.

I may be healed by herbs or Avastin or something else I haven't found yet. I have no doubt that if it is Heavenly Father's will, I will be healed. But even if I'm not, I have to admit that I feel at peace. The last month has been fraught with panic and frantic anguish, but now I feel differently. I trust Him. I look forward to asking WHY all of this had to happen. I'm not going to ask it now, because I know that He can see the whole picture and I know that whatever His will is, things will be okay. My girls will be okay because they have Ward. I know that Ward will be okay because he has them. And we all have each other--FOREVER--and that's what really matters.
I hope you all have a great few days.