12-13-09
I feel like a bee in a hive going round and round each day. Life is busy and always so full with three little ones to love and care for alone. Our girls are very busy and full of life and excitement. It is frustrating at times when I need them to calm down and I have to be better with patience. I guess this will teach me to have more. I know there is no secret formula to this but practice. This constant busy flow is also such a good thing for me. It helps to keep me in a routine and not grieve too deep too long over the loss of Anne. Grief is real. I love my girls and feel a never ending desire and need to love and serve them. But I must say that it is very tiresome at times to do all the needed things in life. Such as; be mom, dad, house keeper, laundry doer, grocery and clothing shopper (I've never been one to shop and I guess christmas will break me in), work, run a business, organize finances, new puppy, and try to create for the girls like Anne did (to name a few).
It seems crazy that life just keeps moving on and is so full. Even among this busy life there is still time late at night to think about all that has and is happening over the past few months and years. I often think, wow, did that and did this really happen. Did we really experience these things and did I really go through loosing Anne. How did this all happen?
I was talking to a friend at church today and we talked about the feeling of loosing a companion and that sometimes you just zone out and feel like you have watched a crazy movie and are looking at things from the outside. It sure gives one a numb feeling.
One thing for sure is after you get into a routine, it is still all about taking one day at a time. Anne and I learned to take one day at a time with her cancer discovery and battle and this is how we found joy and happiness each day. Sometimes I just need to not worry so much about tomorrow and enjoy the today because, as I learned with Anne, no one knows how many more todays we will have.
Christmas is one of our favorite time's of the year. I need to just get through this season and try to love it for what it is and not to miss Anne too much. Because I do miss her.
Anne was such an amazing example for me of living life with joy, love and happiness among life's challenges. I know that life will have challenges and I am going to have challenges and that no one is without them. So for me I will go forward and continue to work hard and live and love each day with the blessing of being with my girls. Anne and my girls are such an example to me of happiness, joy, and light always.
The girls are all doing so good. I am amazed and many times jealous at how well they are doing. Of course they have their own moments of frustration or loss. There are still times at night during dreams that they ask for mommy. They are missing her more over the past week or so due to the christmas season. But I think that they are doing well. I attribute much of this to the fact that each day they are with someone who loves them and knows them even if I cannot be there for them due to work.
Each morning I get the girls up and get them dressed. Then I do 3 girls hair load them in the car and drop them off at my angel mothers house. She then feeds them breakfast takes the two older girls to school and my 3 year old stays the morning with grandma. At about noon my younger sister Katie, our nanny, takes them home and does a magical work with them until I get home about six. I also have a loving mother and father in-law that stays or takes them with them several times a month. Other than Anne I could not ask for more.
We always said Creagers are strong. I hope and pray I can always say we are Creager strong. We are very blessed and this house is and always will be filled with love and dreams. Anne is and always will be the woman of my and our dreams.
Ward
14 comments:
I've been thinking so much about you guys; I'm glad that you are devoted and strong as you are, Ward. And the example of your family members is inspiring as well. You continue to be in our prayers, on the temple roles, and in our hearts. Merry Christmas.
Ward,
Thank you for posting. You and your girls have been in my thoughts a lot lately. It's nice to know how you are doing. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers, especially at Christmas. I'm so glad that your family is right there to help you.
Merry Christmas Ward.
Ward,
Your family has been in our families prayers lately. I can only imagine how hard this must all be. And despite all our trials in life...the world keeps turning and life must go on. You are doing a wonderful job and I know Anne would be so proud! At times it might feel like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back ~but keep trying to move forward and I know the Lord will continue to be by your side. Your entire family is a great example of how to serve and love one another. Best wishes this Christmas and may the New Year bring you much hope,faith and love!
Ward, I am (again) so glad you've posted. I am happy you guys are doing well considering the circumstances. Christmas is certainly a difficult time of year that makes a loss so much harder because we miss them so much and want them here with us. I came across a poem recently that you may have seen, but I thought I'd share. It's beautiful...and it almost eases the pain that comes around during the holidays to realize what Anne must be experiencing now.
My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below;
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear;
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
You know I hold you dear;
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold;
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas
And wipe away that tear;
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
~author unknown
I hope you guys have a very Merry Christmas. And may next year bring so many wonderful blessings to you and your girls.
Dear Ward,
There is no way one person could carry out all that rests on your plate unless they had angels attending them. You and the girls are everything dear to Anne, and I am sure she is close to you. The girls are doing as well as they are because they have you as their rock. Anne knew that, she posted about it. What a blessing to have that family support. We are praying for you every day. You are allowed to have meltdowns- as many of them as you need. One day at a time...and no matter what you will always be Creager strong. It's who you are. And we love you.
Dear Ward,
We, too, have been thinking about you and praying for you. What you wrote was beautifully put. What you do for your girls each day in getting them ready, providing for them, tucking them in at night is such a gift and a huge tribute to Anne--she chose the perfect eternal companion for herself and her girls. Thanks for writing and letting us know how you are doing. So many of us love you all, love Anne, and pray for you daily. Love, The Houser's
Thank you Ward. You are incredible! When Brad was in school I would ask him how studying was going. He would often say, "It's like drinking from a fire hose." There is quite a bit of discomfort, gagging and choking, and a measure of panic is involved. It's coming with such volume and force that you can't even swallow. It's really messy and all consuming. But somehow, over time, right before we drown, the pressure is relieved and we can take breaths between sips. I'm sure the SUPERDAD learning curve is steep Ward, but your testimony and resolve to do right runs deep. THANK YOU FOR YOUR EXAMPLE! THANK YOU FOR SHARING! In all the medical school studying, I learned a thing or two, as well. There is a part of the brain called the Limbic system. It's job is to support a variety of functions like behavior, emotion, long term memory, and even smell. It is thought to contribute to new memories and to regulate happiness. It holds important memory and associative components. Linking joy with service is something that makes you think of Anne, and that's a good thing! None can tell when a “limbic moment” will sock it to you. This tiny, but powerful part of the brain that sits at the top of your brain stem has the important job of helping us live in the world, not as islands, but craves to build relationships; longs to remember, and wants to build new memories by reaching out your most beloved as well as friends. When we are social beings, sharing meaningful experiences together our limbic system is stimulated in a way that triggers an actual electrical response in our brains that enables us to find a path to joy. The reason we all celebrate when you post is because for so long that connection with Anne stimulated our own limbic responses--she made sparks fly for us. She still does in our remembering her. Your willingness to be strong and share that strength does more for the world that loves your family than any of us may realize. I hope this isn't just a "brainy" tid-bit, rather some food for thought that will be sending the electrical-charge-message to energize and become more active because what you do each day take super-human strength. Blessings to you for keeping your heart open to love. 3 cheers for the Creagers! (Sorry for spewing all that science.) Merry Christmas. We are ALL so proud of you and pray for you and the girls! ~Sarah and the Bumas
Ward, I have known you for a long time now and you have always been the epitome of "Creager strong". I know the hurt is still very real for you every day but I know that Anne is still with you and the girls guiding you through it all. You are an amazing dad and an amazing person that I greatly admire. I hope you know how many of us love you and how much we still pray for your little family. Somehow we will all make it through together until you can be with Anne again. Merry Christmas.
Thank you for sharing, Ward. You wrote everything so honestly and poignantly. You and your girls have been in my thoughts and prayers a lot and I want you to know that you are very loved and not forgotten. Merry Christmas, Kellie.
Ward, I hope posting a few of your emotions and thoughts help you... they certainly help those of us who are also missing Anne and hoping and praying for the best for you and the girls.
Every year at Christmas Anne would make a note in a Christmas card to me about "the Polar Express" book I had given her years ago and the "Polar Express Party" your family would enjoy. I will forever think of your family now when I read that story. I hope there are a more happy moments than sad moments as you and the girls carry on some of your family traditions.
For the time that Anne was sick my children (as well as Bryan and myself) would pray for her. There are no less prayers being offered now... but now those prayers belong to you and your girls.
How grateful I am for a Savior who allows us to be eternal families. What a blessed reason to celebrate his birth. Merry Christmas.
Still love your beautiful family. Our thoughts are with you.
I just wanted you to know I've been thinking about you and your family quite a bit lately and was so glad to find your post. Thank you for continuing to be such a righteous rock for your daughters to rely on. And a big thanks to all those who've helped to ease your burdens as well. I'm sure Anne is very grateful to them, too.
Thanks for your post. We think about you often and with the holidays coming and passing we wonder how the girls and you are doing. We keep you in our thoughts and prayers. We are looking ofrward to seeing pictures of your beautiful family. :)
Ward, I have no words. I know your pain is deep and I can hardly think of anything to say that would help with what you're going through. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job with your little ones. I know Anne is proud. You've always been a strong person. An example to all of us. We'll continue to pray for you.
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