April 1, 2009

I tried to be “normal” today—whatever that is. I took MaLeah to preschool, then Maiya and I went to find me a dress (I’m in desperate need of a new one). We picked McCady up from school and then headed to Huntsville for kindergarten round-up for MaLeah. I spent some time at my friend’s beautiful new home, just enjoying the tour and talking with her.
I tried really hard not to think about yesterday and the truth about my cancer. Raggi or Dr. Ragini Kuchicara (sp?) was very straight forward. I’d been talking to the study coordinator I had been working with—and the new one she passed me off to. Raggi walked in and said, “Hi Anne. So, the Altor (the study drug) isn’t working. The good news is the brain MRI is clear—there’s no cancer in your brain. But, the tumors have grown considerably and they've spread to your liver.”
I don’t know what my mom was thinking at my side, but I was glad she’d insisted on coming. They took us into the room where they view the scans and showed me everything. And Dr. Gonzales came in to discuss the films. I still don’t know what I think. On one hand I just try remember my friend Bill. He’s had melanoma in his liver and lung and brain and every other imaginable location. He’s a fighter—and I want to be like him. I’m grateful to have him. On the other hand I don’t know how to grasp it. I just thought it would be more of the same—not spread etc.
Anyway, I feel very comfortable with Dr. Gonzales as my doctor. I told him about my migraines and told him my theory that I have migraines when my tumors are growing. (You know because my medical degree is so current and everything). He didn’t agree with me, and told me that he’d never heard anything like that before. So I don’t know why I have migraines all the time—my brain’s clear—thank goodness. They said that the extreme pain in my chest is most likely because the tumor in the right lung has grown so much and it’s right in the plura. The tumors around my heart have pretty much imbedded themselves around the aorta and the tumor they radiated in August is now looking like it’s growing. There are several spots on my liver and one bigger one to the side of my liver. For right now that’s all.
So I’ll be taking a chemo pill that will hopefully stabilize things—or hopefully freeze them. Dr. Gonzales said we needed to “buy time” until a certain treatment he knows about, but hasn’t been approved yet can be presented and then hopefully I can try that. He has other ideas, but for right now we're going to try to slow it down.
I don’t know a lot of things, but one thing I know for sure is that my trust is in my Heavenly Father. I know he’s in charge of things. I know he has a plan for me and that he loves me. I feel so grateful that he has blessed me with such beautiful daughters and a good husband. I feel his guidance and direction as I choose what I do with every minute of every day. I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ lives. I’m so grateful that he provided a way for me to live with Him and my Father in Heaven and my family forever. And I’m going to do everything I can to be a better person, and worthy enough to be with them. I am grateful for the inspiration of the Holy Ghost and the comfort he gives me through all of this mess.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I’m so grateful for my support system. I love you all.