Tuesday

life without Anne

9-22-09
Those of you have kept up with Anne and followed her blog, I want to thank you for being a part of Anne's life as this was a strength to her to have this outlet in her life.
What is life without Anne? It is empty and there is a void that I know will be present until we get to be together again. In my life experienced I know that time alway allows to mend and heal, but my this is going to take some time.
I was writing to Anne's friend Amber and I told her that sometimes I think Anne may walk into the room or enter the door from being gone. But I know that this will not happen in this lifetime. It saddens me and I am still adjusting with the thought of her being gone.
McCady is doing good and loves school. She is really good at learning and seems to have the learning bug. She has developed a love for reading thanks to mom. She loves to read and loves to read as a family. Anne read to the girls at night, and they and she loved to have this time together. We have continued this tradition and relish our evening moments together and time for our one on one, "I love you time" for the girls that again was started by Anne." Many times I ask McCady what her favorite thing was for the day and she always says right now wile I am giving her, "I love you's." How fun that we all look forward for this bedtime ritual. This time is so bonding and soothes our souls in the loss of Anne. I think that we are forging a new kind of bond and are each other's strengths during this time of loss and healing.
MaLeah is loving school and is blooming in her new school experience. Anne and I were worried that she would have trouble if we lost Anne as MaLeah is cautious to open up and break out of her shell. But we are being blessed and she is, as I said before, blooming and it is fun to watch the new sparkle in her eye as she relates something new from school or about life. We are going to get a puppy and a few weeks ago we went to pick our out. It still needs to grow a little more. On the way home MaLeah was all a grin and said many times, "Oh I can't believe how cut the puppy is, I just want to hold him." This will be a new experience for us to have a animal but it will be good for the girls.
Maiya is always her usual ball of fun. She is finding a new exitement in having time with grandma wile the others are at schoool. Then my sister Katie comes home from Weber State each day about noon and Maiya loves to be with Katie. Katie has been such a blessing to pick up the school assignments and be there for the girls as a constant until I get home at night. Katie is a wonderful nanny. Maiya does one thing every night that lets me know that she is missing mommy. She has to come in my bed each night after a few hours of sleep and crawl in bed with me. She is so cuddly and wants to make sure she rests her head on my shoulder. This is her way of trying to fill the void.
All in all we are doing fairly well considering our great loss. We all have our moments of tears and difficulty and again we have to wait out these moments and be patient and always a new moment comes with feelings of peace and comfort. Patience is something that I feel men as a whole are not very good at and I am far from good at this but slowly the girls are teaching me this and we are learning our routine.
We are being so blessed and I know that we are having divine help in many ways. What would we do without the knowledge of a loving heavenly Father? In our house we still laugh, cry, and all the other emotions as before, but I feel like sometimes I am relearning to do the things we did before and I am having to do them alone, without my partner, for the first time in a long time.
The first two weeks after loosing Anne I felt hollow or numb and other similar feelings that I felt when I first got home after my mission. These feelings are slowly fading and I am trying to recreate a normal for me.
The sure and steady basics of prayer, scripture study, family home evening and quality family time have been a source of comfort and strength to our family. We are a forever family and I want to be sure we are growing as I know Anne is and I want us to be worthy of being with her.
I and we all love Anne so much she is a pillar of wisdom, kindness and love for us in this home. She is tenderly missed.
Ward

18 comments:

Brodi Ashton said...

Beautiful post, Ward. I loved how you described relearning the simple tasks in your daily life. You're exactly right.

I am grateful the girls are doing well, and that they have a good extended family to lean on.

Thank you for you updates.

-Brodi

Amie said...

Like you thinking Anne may walk in the door any minute, I keep checking this blog and hoping she will have written something. . . I'm grateful you are writing and glad that you 4 have one another and wonderful family support, as well. You do a great honor to Anne in just loving your girls and waking up each day to take care of them, and in tucking them in bed each night. I remember Anne telling me about your night time routine. What a comforting thing for your girls to be able to keep those special routines. I rmemeber Anne writing, "Creager's are strong. We will be all right." She was so right. Hang in there and please know that so many of us continue to think about you all and pray for you.
Much love--Amie and Zach

Laurie Jones said...

Thanks for making these posts Ward. I think about you guys daily and wonder how you are doing. I keep checking this blog as well, and have re-read several posts, missing Anne's writings. You are such a great Dad and I love that you are keeping up the traditions started by Anne. We pray for you daily.

Rip Curl Mom said...

I have wondered how you are doing. I think about you guys a lot and still pray for you to have peace. I have not approached you at church because anything I could say sounds so rehearsed and I didn't want it to be less than it should be. You are strong and you will make it until you can be with her again.

Lisa Carter said...

Ward, I am a friend of Kellie's. I have gone through a similar experience with the loss of my sweet husband John. I thought that I could give you a little encouragement, but in reading this post, you have given me strength. I realize that my sweet children are the keepers of my joy right now. I need to be able to enjoy them more, and put off the things that are unimportant in the eternaties. The dishes can wait. Thank you for reminding me.

Lisa Carter

Sheri said...

Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. This was a beautiful post as was the last and a great tribute to Anne and yourself. Your testimony today was touching as well. I was comforted at Anne's funeral to see you have such a great and supportive extended family. Your girls are doing so well because they have such a strong daddy! You are doing great and I am sure Anne is there with you in every way she can be. If you ever need extra help with the girls... my girls would love to have friends over.
Greg and Sheri Farley

MKG said...

Thank you Ward, for posting this and letting us know how you and the girls are doing. We think of you often and pray for you always.

Di said...

Hey Ward, I was just missing her a lot tonight and wanted to hear her voice. I thought the best way to do it was to try and read her words. I should have called you, sorry. I hope you are doing well. Give the girls hugs for us. I will talk to you soon. Love Di

Ronda Hinrichsen said...

I was so glad to find you had written, Ward. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of how you and your daughters are doing. As Anne's friends, we tend to worry, but I see, though we still grief, there is no need to worry. Thank you for continuing to be a Creager light in our lives.

Ronda Hinrichsen said...

Oh! I wanted to tell you that my publisher recently told me that the blurb Anne wrote for my book, MISSING, will be on the back cover. My book will be available in two weeks or so, and I'm really looking forward to seeing Anne's name in print again.

Shelly said...

Ward- Thanks for sharing a little glimpse of your life with the girls. I find myself looking for new posts from Anne, but deep down knowing they won't be there. You and your girls are so blessed to have each other. Ann was able to have peace before she passed b/c she knew you would all take care of each other. I am sure she is very proud of you and how you are leading your girls through this hard trial. Hang in there and know many are praying for you!

Sarah Buma said...

Your effervescent ways with your girls fill them, then they have the energy of heart to give pure joy back to you. We are cheering you on! I am humbled to hear my children pray for you and know that such prayers continue in mass numbers and your words affirm to me that prayers are heard. Anne's influence has been impressive! Anne chose amazing you for your goodness and she chose well. You are a blessing to your angel girls--and to all who love your family. I was in the Washington DC temple last week and this week will be in the San Diego temple. We are 6 hours away from the Anchorage temple here, but this summer and fall, I've been able to go much more often than ever in my life. My mind has continued to ponder life through a changed filter during this season, with thanks to you and Anne. When I ponder upon the nature of eternity and your respect for and understand of it--you, my friend, are everything patient! You will blessed with all you are in need of because you seek it and are so faithful. Thank you Ward!

The Henderson Family said...

Thank you for sharing Ward. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers... Anne is a beautiful person, inside and out. How lucky we all are to have had her example in our lives. You and your girls are amazing as well!!

Michael said...

Know that you and your girls are in our thoughts and prayers everyday.

With Love,

Cindy and Mike

Scott and Kourt said...

I have been wondering how you and the girls are. During little moments in life i wonder how you are doing? I must have missed this last post adn i am so grateful that you have posted. How I miss Anne's words and uplifting comments on our blog. We look forward to seeing the cute little puppy. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Lizion said...

Ward, I have been thinking about you alot and keep up on you through Kimberly and Dr. Capener. I saw you at New Moon but couldn't get to you before you left. I know that must have been hard for you. What a trooper you are to push on. I would love it if you would post more on the website about you and the girls. Just kind of give us a glimpse of how you are doing. I feel very grateful to have met you and Anne. Your testimony and the way you conduct your life inspire me. You are always in my prayers as are the girls. Love, Teri Campbell

Karla said...

I know how busy life can be and how hard it is to find time to post . . . so thank you for sharing how things were going. I had been wondering what your cute little girls were up to. I hope you post some pictures of them at least once a year so I can see their beautiful little faces. I sure miss them.
I am so happy to hear that you are able to find the time to read to your girls. My dad read to us before we went to bed and I will be eternally grateful for that time. Keep up the good work. :)

Josi said...

I haven't checked blogs in weeks, and was so glad to see an update. You and the girls have been on mind this last week and I was hungry for an update. Seems you had already posted one. Thank you for sharing, and best of luck.