April 2, 2008

I’ve wanted to write an email before I “submerge” again. We have had a good week—sorely needed. I know you’ve heard from Ward and he told you about what the treatment does to my mind. Just so you can understand from my point of view I remember the first few hours in the hospital and then my next memories come not at the end of that week, but the end of the next week on Friday. It was a total of twelve days that I literally lost—including Easter which was pretty hard on me. Lots of people have said, “Oh what a blessing.” They are people who saw me when I was out of it and I must have been far gone. The lady who we have coming to clean our house didn’t expound on what I was really like, she just said on Tuesday when she came, “Oh, Anne it’s so nice to see you here again.” My sister Mary said that she talked to me three or more times that week and she cried after every conversation and wondered if I would really come back. On Saturday we went for a drive to see Ward’s parents. When they saw me they acted so surprised at how I was acting—it was a surprise for me because I didn’t know what I was like. I remember one thing from that week, I fell down the stairs with Maiya. It was pretty traumatic and I guess enough that I could remember. That’s all I remember—oh and on Thursday I broke a tooth and had to go into the dental office. I was crazy and made a point to introduce Ward’s little brother to his assistant. I’ve wanted to do this for months and I guess I was just in the right frame of mind to do it. I think they both thought I was crazy. I just hope the go out on a date.

Ward was the one who saw it the most. On Saturday night he just kept saying “You’re back!” Then like usual we stayed up way too late talking—he caught me up on the two weeks I’d missed. The next night was the same and we are pretty lacking in sleep. That night we made the decision that I need Ward there when I have my treatment. What he told me was too much for me . . . and way too much to allow my mom or his mom or anyone else give me care while I’m in the treatment again. So, we called our accountant (who I love with all my heart—she’s married to a dentist and she is my life line in dentistry and helping us through this crazy part of life too—I love you Cynthia!) She has arranged for some wonderful amazing dentists in the area to volunteer their time to help Ward’s office keep going for the weeks that he will be coming to Colorado with me again. When I told my brother this today he said, “That’s like me saying hey competition will you come in and make this sale for me?” That’s exactly what it’s like and I can’t believe the caliber of men that have volunteered to come and help us keep this practice going with no reward, other that blessings from Heaven. That’s what they are to us.

The girls are doing okay. If McCady doesn’t have enough time playing outside, she kind of loses it. I can understand it. I feel trapped too. I went outside for the first time in weeks today. It’s beautiful and I’m mourning Spring because I want to be out there so much—but I am highly supervised and I haven’t felt well enough to be out there. MaLeah is acting very mature. Yesterday she had the flu and was whisked away with Maiya to Ward’s parents house. They spent the night and she was so happy that she was the “oldest” and she got to sleep in Grandma’s special red bed (toddler bed). She came home and spent the entire day singing and running around playing. Maiya is the cutest two-year-old in the world. She always wanted to be kissing me and holding “mama” and “wah wah”. She talks pretty darn good for her age, but it’s around a “wah wah” (pacifier). It’s her comfort right now and I’m not going to ditch it until this is over or she just gets rid of it herself. While the other girls were gone I spent a lot of time with McCady. She needed it. She was thrilled to watch a movie all by herself with Mom and Dad. It was Alvin and the Chipmunks and I kind of wish that was part of my fog.

I know this email is bordering on novel, but you’re not going to hear from me for a while so, I have a few more things to say. I started to lose my hair today. I really was in denial. I didn’t think it would happen. They said it might not—they even told me about a kid in a fraternity whose whole fraternity shaved their heads and then he didn’t lose his hair. Well, my denial was pretty hard to get over. I haven’t brushed my hair all day. I can’t stand it. But I’ll be okay. I’ve been exhausted and actually able to sleep the last two days. Sleep for me has been utter pain for three months. I still have to take percocet to handle the pain when I lie down. But the last two days I’ve been able to sleep. I’m grateful for that. I can’t read at all. I’ve tried, but this is just something that has been very difficult for me. Ward reads scriptures to me at night and that is wonderful. I feel out of touch, but I am so very grateful for the cards and other wonderful ways that my friends and family have shown love to me. I am so eternally grateful for my mom and Gaye (Ward’s Mom). They’ve been here everyday. I call them my babysitters—but it’s lovingly. Ward’s sister has taken over supervising our hospital bills as they are way too much for either of us to handle right now. Our families have done so much for us. I am so grateful to be here by them. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father is mindful of me. Ward and I were talking the other day about how our trials have been tailor made for us. When I was having miscarriages at the first of my marriage I never doubted that I would have children because I’d been promised them in my patriarichal blessing. It was still hard, but it was the right thing for me to handle. When the kids came and we had no control over when they came we thought Wow this is a lot to handle, but we loved it. Now as I look at the past and I see that I have all these three miracles I feel so blessed. I can’t believe what God has given us. This trial too is what we are going to handle. I can’t imagine having to deal with what other people have been given. I’m just so grateful for all the help and the love and the peace. My friend gave me a quote that said “This is hard, but you can do hard things.” I believe that. We are going to do our best with this. We are going to do this hard thing and then we’ll move on. And we’ll be happy—and that’s all that matters. We have each other and we are happy—even when I’m in la la land. I want you to know if you’re getting this email directly or indirectly you are someone very special to me. I am grateful for you. Don’t write back to me. I’m going to submerge now. But I’ll be back in about 14 days. That sounds good doesn’t it? Love Anne