May 2, 2008

I wanted to send an update before we go back to Colorado. We fly back on Sunday, so I can meet with my Dr. on Monday morning. I’ve been waiting for my scan that marks the halfway mark of this Biochemo treatment. It was last Wednesday. We waited and waited for results, but with me having my scans in Utah and my Dr. in Colorado things have been a little bumpy going back and forth. Finally I talked to my Dr. on Sunday and his words were, “I think its working.” This wasn’t the solid, factual answer I wanted for my halfway mark. He was basing the results only on the radiology reports, so I sent him the scan that I had on disk. That way he could actually look at the scan with the report. We waited again. On Wednesday morning he called and said, “I think things are better.” Again this wasn’t the solid answer that I wanted. I asked him lots of questions, but he just kept saying, “Let’s wait until Monday when you come.” He did tell me that on the first scan the one of the masses they were measuring was 3.14 cm, and on this last scan I had done that mass was 13 by 14 mm. That sounded like a huge improvement to me, but he just wouldn’t say what I wanted him to say. I guess I wanted him to show some excitement and say “Wow look at this change—that’s great!” But he won’t say it. He even doubted the readings from the first scan. When I talked to Ward about that he said, “He’s just not seeing our miracle.” I believe this is true—even through all my tears and lack of faith I’m trying to know this is true. What ever the readings from the first scan, now the readings are very different and I’m hoping they are different on all the places that we have measurements, but I think his style (to cover himself in his profession--probably) is to let his patients see the scans side by side and make their own determination. That way he isn’t liable for giving false hope. It’s a little hard with us here—not seeing the results the way he wants us to.

I haven’t bounced back after the second round like I did the first. I finally started to feel pretty good yesterday and it’s been a three week recovery. Every time I even think about going back I get nauseated and don’t want to go. But I’m being strong and I’m going to go. We picked up my wig yesterday. When I showed McCady she said, “That’s really ugly Mommy—you need to take it back.” I agree with her. MaLeah has been telling everyone that her Mommy went to the hopspital and got some hair. Maiya just keeps patting me and saying, “My Mommy sick.”

I’ve had so much help this time. I thought I could do things on my own on Monday. It was my worst day by far—the whole day was an absolute failure. When Ward got home and I had three girls in the tub all screaming at the tops of their lungs—the house a disaster—everything out of control—he first told me to sit down and then he went to work after his eleven hour day and fixed everything. He called my Mom that night at 10:00 and asked her to come help me the next day. The rest of the week—until today I’ve had help. I’m so grateful for it.

I’m so grateful for the words of encouragement that my friends and family have been sending. I’m grateful for the answers to prayers I’ve had this week. Heavenly Father is strengthening me and Ward. I know now that while I have no control over my health, or how long I will have here (we’re hoping for a long time) I know that I have control over my relationships with my family and friends. So please know that I’ve thought about you this week. I’m so happy to know you and to count you among my loved ones. I hope you have a great week. Love Anne