June 19, 2008

I wrote an email last week, but I decided not to send it. It was so depressing. I just filed it away for myself. I was very ill last week and I’m glad it’s over. Needless to say this is a better week. I’ve been able to be home with the girls without any help. The house is a disaster, but it doesn’t matter. I’m home with them.

I had a scan last week to see how the tumors had shrunk since my last treatment. It took a while to get the results because they had to get the disk in Colorado and then they couldn’t open it. Ward and I also got a copy of the disk and we looked at it by ourselves. To us everything looked clear—extremely clear. We convinced ourselves that there was nothing left and we were really excited. So I got my results a couple of days ago. A trained physician read the scans and said there appears to be no more shrinkage. I got the news about 11:00. I just didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell anybody. I just mulled it around in my mind until my mom called about 4:00. That’s when the tears came for me. I unloaded on her for about an hour. By the time Ward got home at 6:45 I was feeling okay, but I had to tell him. He wasn’t okay. We had both convinced ourselves that everything was clear and we were going to “get back to normal”. I guess that’s just not in the plan for us right now. We don’t know what the next step is because my Dr. is in France right now. The doctor who reviewed the report with me did say I won’t be doing any more Biochemo—she said it’s just too aggressive and they won’t do that to me. So we’re going to wait and see.

I start to feel sad and then I watch the news. The tornadoes and flooding in the mid-west, and the earth quake in China have really affected me. I have so much to be grateful for. I get to be with my girls everyday. We’re safe Ward’s business is succeeding. We have each other and that’s all that really matters. The tumors are small, even though they aren’t responsive to the treatment who knows maybe there will be another option because of their size. We’re doing okay. Things will be okay—we just have to have more faith.

The girls are doing well. They are so cute. McCady loves to have a clean room—she works on it throughout the day and goes crazy when the other girls “mess it up”. MaLeah loves to sing and dance she makes up the cutest songs. Maiya has a mind of her own. She is really trying to potty train herself. I try to discourage this because it’s easier to just change her “diapie” as she calls it. But she’s determined. We have so much to be happy about.